Some history lesson

While the following just wasn't one of the smartest pieces of mail I've received; nonetheless this was in my Hotmail today (followed by my response):

Sent: Monday, July 24, 2006 2:11 PM
Subject: FW: History Lesson...

Evolve not involve.

In the early years, humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: L&C Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservative came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers".


My raw two cents follow. If you don’t like raw, delete the mail. If you dig raw (sashimi variety), read on. Thought it only fair I should respond in kind. I wanted to title mine drunk v. sober but then that’s not as fresh as evolve not involve, whatever that’s suppose to mean.

Anyways.

The schoolyard tales that get passed around so proudly as super deep conservative thought these days. It’s overdone, too self-stroking and ample congratulations for all its brethrens to revel in. Get a room already.

If conservatives can swivel away from Fox News for a few and consider by their lonesome selves that the British too had their share of proud surefooted apologists who thumped their chests, full of bravado, of apparent might and righteousness right before their empire crashed and burned around them.

Romans, French, Spanish empires…the list goes on. To imagine that conservative dogma today is in any way original v. just rehash of dogma spewed and regurgitated many a times over in history is typical kool-aid overdose and delusional egomania, of the ideological and groupthink variety.

The below tries to denigrate a whole class of people, roughly half of Americans who happen to live in richer, more colored “blue” states, who also happen to account for the majority of this country’s GDP.

Which is plain odd since the wealthiest men in the world are hardy Democrats (Gates, Buffet et al). Hmm, let’s crack that wider. Name the 100 wealthiest Americans. Tell me how many actual Republicans there are. Go by % of 100 or just total wealth of top 100.

My god, I mean talk about something measurable and comparable already, just this once - so we can at least try to keep score. Go ahead, amuse me. Amuse yourself.

And yah, liberals are nuanced creatures. Guess physicists are liberals. But then what would we do without the electron, eh?

And liberals like to govern. Someone’s got to do it. By George if W is and he seems to like it.

Others like abstracted long-term thinking. That no doubt includes nerdy do-goody-Gates to those damn physicists working on the nonsense that is string theory, just ruining our country.

Other libs like to invent. And damn those liberal Japanese inventing hybrids beating down our lame big-2 ½ (again), perpetuating the liberal meltdown of environment propaganda, nm Greenland ice caps melting or record worldwide temps or first-time ever 102 degrees in Seattle.

With liberals, it just takes a rainbow. Omg, end of days are surely upon us.

Conservatives have to wait until it hits them in the face (Katrina pun intended), otherwise who cares….if $’s can’t measure it, it doesn’t exist – as if economics is a perfect science, and coming from me that’s saying a lot.

Conservatives abhor nuance and prefer simpler worldviews, e.g. we hard working, liberals lazy bums (thump, thump). To believe that one’s superior based on a mockery tale mimicking a history lesson is what’s that word besides liberal-wannabe’ - oh right, ludicrous, a big nice juicy liberal word that’s just so right on.

It also belies a major weakness of the conservative movement today – the obsession with simple tales & short stories that’s made into “horse-sense”, which scary enough takes a life of its own becoming hard rules of thumb and conservatives’ worldview of reality.

Sadly, actual reality show that horse-sense to be all wrong and brimful of excuses, a la why invade Iraq with its two-dozen before and after versions of excuses, budget-deficit BS that’s just repressed shame for all conservatives, to whatever top issues are choice news this week.

If you can’t find any, email & I’ll happily oblige.

More damning is W and Co’s inability to address measurable evidence and facts, particularly contrary ones without resorting to continued blaming of that not in charge party (lame), rehashing Fox News’ sound-bites, conspiracy theories, immeasurable and incomparable “facts…of faith”, take 3 for giggles:

• fight them over there so we can help arouse a whole new Arab extremist army all so we don’t fight them over here,
• tax cuts through debt-spending somehow equal more money for government coffers and increase net growth,
• spending a trillion dollars without being a hair-closer to bin Laden is cheap and on the money in return for a hoped for middle east freedom that a big multi-generational war will surely bring – nm Halliburton to (fill in the blank).

Mash those and a few more up and you get bastardized neocon “horse-sense”, which today then gets bantered about as core conservative “principles.”

It’s not what Buckley had in mind. But then, like Goldwater and Nixon, he’s probably considered a lame liberal by now, so who cares.

Sure, liberals by nature were born to consider both or more sides to an issue, and spend too much time squandering and bickering among themselves and over think…. “Over” in the sense that it has not helped us win or kick-ass in the school-yard bully fights and one-line frat-boy bagging now aka the elections.

So congrats, reality-TV politics finally comes to age in the states.

But when one considers the current Republican fracas over just 3 things - stem cell research, gay marriage and fiscal imprudence, it’s obvious deep thinking is not their forte. Still, brilliant crafting of one-liners like “flip-flop” and "girliemen" – bravo, well-done, genius.

I’m sure that’s what the founding fathers had in mind.

And true believers, boy haven’t they caused enough trouble (and wars and genocides). Right-wing conservatives are proudly “true believers” of one certain absolute truth, perceived or otherwise – an honor that happens to be proudly shared by fascists.

Liberals do this critical thinking deal that can actually lead to flip-flopping (gasp) based on what peer-reviewed evidence suggests. Liberals actually deal with, dare I say, different and multiple points of view and, gasp again, science (the stem-cell, not creationist, kind).

After all, someone’s got to cure a disease if prayer, however steadfast, fails.

Sure they’re also the ones that go on to lose 'em well-argued and debated American elections yet win those snobby, liberal-drenched, self-absorbed Nobel Prizes in the sciences and those really snobby ones in literature. Go figure.

Yah, ignorance may be bliss, and if things weren’t so fucked up, I’d be laughing my head off right now too, like hilariously and loud even.

But as the world has become fucked up beyond recognition in way too many cases, I just feel sorry for the writer (and readers who feel such pride, if not outright titillation) of this misguided, caricatured homily - evangelical self-righteousness intact - that is today’s bastardized, intellectually-starved neoconservative.